So there we were. My heart and me. Sitting in our cozy armchairs, next to the fireplace, snuggled up in our warm blankets. „I am so sad“, my heart said. And its eyes filled with tears.
Tonight I sat in front of my heart, in a cozy room, next to a fireplace. We were both covered in warm blankets. I looked at my heart, with curious, soft eyes and invited it to share its story. I immediately felt a relaxation in my heart, an exhale, an opening. „Ufff, she sees me“, my heart seemed to think.
„I feel so much grief“, my heart started. „So much grief that love seems to have lost. I feel so much grief for myself, for all those moments, when I was hurt by a man. And I feel so much grief for all these women all over the world over the last thousands of years who have been hurt by men. The feminine within me is so sad. So sad. And so disappointed by the masculine.“
Then my heart paused and I saw its eyes fill with tears.
It continued: “I am so longing for resonance. So longing to be treated in a gentle, soft, careful way. But nobody seems to want to hold me gently. Why is that? Why?”
The wood in the stove made a loud noise as it burned down a little further. I took a sip from my tea, snuggled even tighter into the blanked and waited for my heart to continue.
“The world seems to be so scared. So afraid. So afraid of life itself. And of all, what life brings with it: the feelings, the discomfort, the pain, the loss, the struggle, the failings …. you name it. Just life. Why are people so afraid of it. When it is at the same time the biggest miracle one can imagine. And the biggest gift one can receive.”
“And please,” my heart continued, “don’t get me wrong. I’m not talking about people who lead miserable lives, perhaps in a war zone or conflict area, who are starving, have no home, no food, no education – not like the people here. If you are in survival mode its hard or maybe even not possible to find a gift in the life that you live.”
I nodded slightly, but so slightly, I guess it was not visible. I totally understood what my heart meant by that. And my heart felt that.
“I am speaking of privileged people, like you and me. Or me. Your you. I mean, we are literally one person, so actually I do not know, if we are two”, my heart began to laugh. And I started laughing too. What a weird conversation. I mean, it doesn’t happen daily, that you sit in front of your heart. Of course it was weird. And beautiful. And special.
“Lately I was thinking so much about how men are somehow the greatest danger to women. Isn’t that crazy? I mean, half the population can always be a danger for a woman…. Shouldn’t men be more of a home for us? A safe space? A place, where we feel secure, where we are held, supported, valued and built up?”
My heart looked at me with sad, questioning eyes. And then tears started to run down my heart. Its body shook. It sobbed. It cried heavily.
“You know, sometimes I feel kind of lost in space. I feel like I am flying, or better gliding through the universe. Not knowing where I come from, not knowing where I go. Or if I even go anywhere. I am looking around and around, searching for resonance. Searching for depth. But I don’t find it. I do not find it.”
“You know what, darling,” I said as I pushed my blanket aside and got up from my chair. “You know how much I love you? And how much you resonate with me.” I knelt before my heart and began to caress it tenderly. “You know that, right?”, I asked.
My heart looked at me gently: “Of course, I do. I absolutely do. I do. And I am so eternally thankful for how carefully you carry me in your hands.” It smiled and cried at the same time.
“And yet, I am sad”, my heart continued. “And I know, that this is valid. That I am of course allowed to be sad about the lack of resonance, the lack of depth, the lack of love in our interactions with one another. Because, whats the point of being human, together with – how many? – around 7 billion people, if we do not seek resonance, depth and love?”
My heart paused for a moment, looked into the fire, then into my eyes: “That’s why we came here, isn’t it? That’s why we came here, together with so many others. Otherwise the universe could have brought us to a single planet. A planet just for one person. But it didn’t. It brought us all together. Here. On this planet. At this very moment. As social beings, capable of love.”
My heart asked me to help it with its cup of tea, as the cup was a little to big for it. It took a sip of warm tea, exhaled, and continued: “Do you know how many are learning to love their own hearts right now? Just as you learned to love me? That was such an important journey, and am eternally grateful to you for that. Our connection is so special, so beautiful. And I am quite sure that we are not only here to share the love within ourselves, but also with others. And that we are here to receive love from others as well.”
“You know, we – you and I, haha – find intellectual resonance from time to time, and this is beautiful. And important. And often there is physical resonance too, you could call it attraction or chemistry. Also important. Definitely. But heart resonance, that deep connection of bodies with emotions, feelings, inner aliveness – oh my gosh, it is so rare. It is so rare. It’s something like the holy grail.”
“People seem to be so afraid of all that: emotions, feelings, depth”, my heart said.
I replied: “I would simple call that life. And people are afraid of life.”
“How is it possible that we as humanity have ended up here? We are an extremely intellectually developed species, but at the same time we seem to be so emotionally underdeveloped in the way how we connect with ourselves, with what feel, with what is alive inside of us and how we connect with others.”
“The language of emotions seems to be a really rarely spoken language. And at the same time, it’s the most beautiful language one could image. Despite pain, despite sorrow, despite all discomfort. It’s aliveness. And aliveness is just so magic. So good. So special.”
So there we were. My heart and me. Sitting in our cozy chairs, next to the fireplace, snuggled up in our warm blankets. And in that moment, we were surrounded by deep feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, and sadness.
And yet there was still a tiny spark of hope. Because hope never disappears completely. Never. And do you know why? Because its source of power is love. And love is always there – because it is a state of being.
So love and hope where there that night, too.
Picture by Julia Karnavusha on Unsplash
Katja Horninger 