You will love

Hang in there a little longer, trust, even if it’s sooo hard right now. Or don’t trust. Love will come to you – one way or another.

Sometimes it just feels so good.
That there is “someone” out there – on the apps.
When there is actually no one out there.
To hold me.

Always holding myself.
Always holding myself.
It makes me so tired.

I often can’t. Can’t anymore.
Tired. Tired. Tired.
Exhausted.
Empty.
Sad.
Frustrated.

Constantly these inner processes.
Carrying me through all the effort.
Will it ever get easier?

When I think back to when I was a teenager writing in my diary.
My thoughts were already heavy back then.

But actually, so much has changed.
Today, I like myself. Very much, in fact.
I really love myself.
I am gentle with myself.
Tender with myself.
Friendly.
A warm, thick wool blanket, that’s what I am to myself.

And yet life is exhausting sometimes.
Maybe because I would like to have someone else as a wool blanket.
Giving myself everything all the time is so exhausting.

The longing for others is there. Either way.
Yes, I can give myself a lot.
And I do give myself that.

But I long for something from somewhere else.
Is that too much to ask, universe?
When the whole world does exactly the same thing?
Yes, very often in an unhealthy way – which is not how I want it.

I want depth.
Resoncance.
Consciousness.
Responsibility.
Kindness.
Aliveness.
Passion.
Intimacy.
And longing for growth.

And inside me, there is still a part, who feels like I don’t deserve it.

Damn it.

Enough of this narrative.
This thought.
I can’t hear it anymore.
I can’t bear it anymore.

And here I am, sitting for years, healing, learning, and growing – and yet somehow waiting. And I’m annoyed that I didn’t use the time better. And at the same time, I also see: Wow, I needed so much time and space to even be able to hold the pain. To be able to hold the processes. To be able to hold the longing.

I didn’t do anything wrong.
I didn’t read too few books.
I didn’t scroll too much.
I didn’t stream too much.

Yes, it was often a lot. And few of the books.
But it was the best I could do in those moments.
Not a single moment of the last few years has passed disconnected.
I was always THERE. Present. In myself.
Also in the shame. In the grief. In the fear. And even in the dis-connection.

That’s all that matters.

I love you.
Keep going.
Nothing is in vain.
Suddenly your person will be there – and you’ll feel like: Wow, that was quick.

So get busy making the most of your time.
The bed, so easy on your own – without worrying about how you look or whether your stomach hurts.
All for you. Relaxed. Alone.

And at some point that will change.
Life with a partner.
Also relaxed. But also excited at first.
It will be nice to have someone there. Not just anyone. YOUR SOMEONE.
A person who touches your heart.
Who makes you breathe excitedly.
Butterflies in your stomach.
Pulsing in your yoni.
A grin on your face.
Relaxation throughout your whole body.
Laughter.
Flirting.
Deep talk.
Deep dive.
Passion.
Heart resonance.
Care.
Security.
Presence.
Softening.
Melting.
Exhaling.

Everything will make sense.
Babe, you didn’t come here to let this life pass you by without loving.
You will love.
You will love.
You will.

Because I know it.
Because it makes sense.
Because love is already around you.
It is within you.
Because love wants to express itself so much more.
So much more.

Love is already screaming out so loudly within you.
Together with depth, care and kindness.
“Please, let us express ourselves.” – they beg.

Just a little bit more, the universe calls back.
Just a tiny moment.

Then it will be here.
For real.
And you will love it so much.

Hang in there a little longer, trust, even if it’s sooo hard right now.
Or don’t trust.
Love will come to you – one way or another.
You, beloved being.
You, child of the heart.
You, universe incarnate.
You, love embodied.